How do kids spell Love?

I can’t remember where I read this but the answer was T-I-M-E. The premise is that kids need time with their parents and not simply some vague notion of “quality time” which I am convinced can be a self-justification for not spending much physical time with kids (more on this below).

Today’s society seems to be ever more busy and we where our busy badge with pride. “How are things?” is the question,”Really busy” is the answer followed by “well, that’s good!” Of course busy can be a good thing as it means we are working our businesses and there are lots of clients and so on. However what is the cost?

For me, I have just taken up Tae Kwon Do with my son so we get to work out together twice a week and we have a common goal – to move up through the belts. He has just turned 12 and it really helps that we have this to do every week so we can talk about it, share the aches and pains (although I have more than he does!) and generally have common ground that only he and I do in the family – it’s great!

The point is that I never thought that I would find this time in my “busy” schedule. We had tried other things like working out in our basement that was time together, but it didn’t really work. Now we are doing this together the time itself is very valuable, I wouldn’t change it now, it’s become part of my schedule for the week and it’s not negotiable.

So, to the concept of quality time. I could argue that out tae kwon do is quality time because we are doing something constructive together, rather than just “hanging out”. However there is a danger that we use the quality time concept to justify spending ever smaller actual amounts of time with our kids. We justify it by saying to ourselves “it’s only an hour but it’s quality time”. When actually what our kids crave is a longer amount of time – hanging out, talking, reading, remembering, walking etc.

So, finding balance for me has meant working hard to find a joint interest with my son and then pursuing it, largely on his agenda. It involves some sacrifice but it is more than worth it and you may even enjoy it!

Back to balance

OK, I have a confession. I have followed some interests in coaching and allowed myself to drift away from my passion – work-life balance. A couple of things have brought me back, a conversation with a fellow coach whose opinion I value highly, and some comments I saw recently as I was working my contacts on LinkedIn (www.linkedin.com for those unfamiliar with this great on-line tool).

Around 50% of the comments were along the lines : “well, work-life balance is basically bunk, can’t be achieved, chasing it will kill your career, this is just how it is, poor us to be in this era, can’t do anything about it etc.”

What sort of excuse for critical thinking is this? I don’t blame people for finding it tough but come on. Since when did anything, I mean ANYTHING get solved or improved by saying “that’s just the way it is?”

On the bright side there were also comments about personal choice and boundaries being the key. Absolutely. Also to that I would add responsibility. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to define what balance means for you. You then have a CHOICE. Sure that can be tough – the choice may be to quit a well paying job but don’t whine that you don’t have a choice – there are always choices.

Balance will be the theme here from now on – my passion has been rekindled…..

What you are, who you I

Well, that title looks like a typo but (with some artistic license) it comes from the Sandler Sales Institute training that is currently really helping me out. For those of you not familiar with Sandler it is a really effective way to approach sales – especially useful for me who doesn’t have a sales background. For those not familiar with it here is a link: www.sandler.com

One of the points made forcibly to me is that we all play a lot of roles in our lives. Those related to our careers and jobs, family (husband, son etc.) as well as those during our leisure time (tennis player, golfer, volunteer etc.) If you care to think about it there are a huge number of roles we perform every day.

These roles though, are separate from who we really are. Following on from my post last week concerning identity linked to a job, who we are is independent from what we do. However, that is often easier said than done. Often we can find that success or failure in a role have an immediate influence on how we feel about ourselves and how we value ourselves. It is a small jump from transferring role failure into a knock on us personally.

So think about how you value yourself when stripped of all your roles and try to think of the roles you perform as distinct from your value as a person. If you can look at things that happen in this way you can begin to distance the two. Now when you succeed or fail in a role you allow yourself to enjoy or learn from the experience without it affecting your self worth. This can be huge since successes and failures in day to day life can happen all the time and change can occur rapidly. If your value is tied to these roles you are in for a roller coaster ride!

So the post title comes from the Sandler R/I approach – your “I” is your value and self worth and is worth protecting and thinking of as intrinsically you, and highly valued. The “R” are the roles you play and are distinct from your I.

Your working identity

I was talking recently to a group and the question came up: “What do you get from your work?”. Among the varied answers someone mentioned “identity”. We didn’t have time to develop that point but it is very interesting – to what extent are you defined by the work you do or the career that you have?

For many of us work is a very important part of our lives. Indeed it is one of the questions I am most frequently asked when I meet someone for the first time: “What do you do for a living?”. This is part of the American networking/social circle game I think. So what are the implications of having your identity at least partly tied to your work?

• If you are defined by your role there is a tendency to act according to expectations associated with that role
• If your work defines your identity how is that going to affect you when you retire/get laid off/change jobs/fall out with your boss?
• Where is your identity when you are not working – on vacation for example? Do you constantly take work home with you because that is how you define yourself?

How’s all that working for you?

I am not arguing that work isn’t an important factor in our lives. For many of us we are following our passion and work is incredibly fulfilling. However it can be worth thinking about your identity outside work and here are a few questions that might help with that.

• What is it, specifically, that work brings you that you identify with? Anything is OK here – it could be fun, power, responsibility, a chance to serve, camaraderie, anything!
• What else can provide that?
• Where else are you equally fulfilled?
• How do you want to be defined by others? By the job you do, the personality you have, the friends you keep, what?

Going through this simple exercise can point to areas of our lives that also help to define us, and reveal other aspects of our identity. There can be fulfilment in other areas as well as work and these can help us to move forward when things are not going so well in our careers, and keep us grounded when they are.

Plenty of ideas

I am fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with entrepreneurs and business owners and coaching them is very rewarding, they are generally resourceful, energetic and committed to success in their personal and business lives.

One of the things that struck me about entrepreneurs (and many other successful people too) is that they are very good at thinking up ideas and opportunities. They don’t usually need help in generating ideas or thinking of new ways to develop the company.

Often being able to generate ideas is a curse as well as a blessing. Perhaps that is putting it a little too strongly. Having a lot of ideas is great and keeps the energy up, also it allows us to see and exploit opportunities whenever they arise. However there can be a problem in follow up and completion.

For many of us the start of a project is a time of excitement and opportunity. The challenge comes with the setbacks or when the initial energy level wears off. This is the time for follwo through and completion.

So what to do? Well here are some of the things that can help:

1. Set goals for the company and for yourself. I know I am always talking about this but it is important from a focus point of view. What is the business there for and equally important, what do you want from it personally?

2. Keep an eye on these goals and ask yourself how a new idea contributes to all the goals you have set. If it does, go ahead and follow it but……

3. Ask yourself what you are sayign “no” to when you are investigating a new idea. Will it cause you to drop other business activities or eat into your leisure time for example? You can then chose whether to pursue it or……

4. Delegate. If ideas are what drive you, find someone who can help with the more mundane things that perhaps you don’t want to do. If the day to day follow through doesn’t interest you

Just Do It!

The title for this post comes from a well known clothing and sporting goods manufacturer of course – Nike. It is always something that struck a chord with me and is fertile ground for lots of training and development work. Books such as “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers talk to this issue.

So it seems like something is calling me to write on this topic too! The key thing for me is the call to action. In other words once we commit to a course of action (I mean really commit to it!) then it isn’t really a case of whether we succeed or fail, but rather how we overcome obstacles in our way.

For me this was brought home by a recent presentation I gave. I actually enjoy presenting but it is often easier just to avoid that particular spotlight. However I was talking to some people and the point made to me on a number of occasions was: ” The only way to get better is to get out there and do it”.

I knew that of course but it is always worth hearing! The point I took from it was this:

Everything is a learning process if you allow it to be, and seek to learn the lessons from experience. This is freeing as well since it allows you to be the best you can, but accept that things do not need to be perfect all the time. I am not suggesting a sloppy, unprepared or unplanned approach be taken, rather that we trust that we will overcome any minor bumps in the road.

So, when presented with an opportunity, try to visualize yourself in the situation and how you will feel. Prepare as best you can but accept that things may change and/or get in your way. Trust that you will get over those things and grow personally as a result of overcoming them.