Don’t say Don’t

I love the way the mind works, particularly how we respond to language.

Did I tell you that I play tennis? I learn a lot from it, especially doubles. I was playing recently and my partner and I were both at the net as one of our opponents wound up for a powerful shot. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my partner retreating and I shouted: “Don’t back up!”. After the point she asked me – “What did you say, all I heard was ‘back up?’”.

So the whole point of my intended instruction/request/suggestion was lost. Worse, my partner heard the opposite. I know this, but its is illustrative. The mind, particularly under pressure, filters out “Don’t” a lot of the time and all you hear is what you are supposed to be avoiding.

For example: “Don’t think of a Red Elephant”. What do you bring to mind?

So what should I have done differently? In the case above, how about: “Stay there!” That is more direct and gives a positive instruction the brain can easily interpret.

This applies to many situations in life. Try telling people what you do want them to do, rather than what you want them to avoid and you may find you get interesting and positive results…

That sounds like a plan…..

Been thinking. Is it possible to overplan things?

Do we need a plan for everything? How about goals? I read an article on happiness recently and one of the suggestions was not to focus on goals. Hmmm, I thought, not sure about that.

Anyway, the point was that focusing on a material goal i.e. “If I have that, I will be happy” is frequently unhelpful. Why? Because when we get there, we may be briefly happier but it doesn’t last. It also set me thinking. Having a goal that we relentlessly pursue might lead us to increased focus, but are we missing out on enjoying the moment?

I suggest therefore that goals are set in line with what is truly important to you – your values. I don’t mean a moral value here, but the things that are most important in your life. Never thought about that? These questions might help:

• What do you really enjoy doing?
• What does that mean to you?
• When do you feel most fulfilled?
• How does that feel?
• What makes you really angry?
• Flip that feeling around, what is the opposite state that would make you happy?

This isn’t a simple process and in one to one coaching we may spend two weeks on this. However once your values are surfaced you can set goals that are in line with your values. You will then enjoy getting to them as well as achieving success and guess what? Most of them won’t be material goals.

If one of the things you think of as a value is money, what does this give you? Security, power, status, recognition, freedom? Those are the true values, money helps you get there but other things do too. What other things?

To quote Jack Palance from the movie “City Slickers” : “That’s what you have to figure out!”

I’m trying!

When I first set out training to be a coach I went to a coaching demonstration. A volunteer was called for, and the question asked: “What do you want to change?”. The answer: “I want to try to lose weight”.

Sounds reasonable doesn’t it? We have probably all said it, I know I have. However what does trying to do something imply to you? To my mind there is a great danger in this word. If I only set out to try to do something, then the mere act of trying may become a goal in itself. In the example above, if I try to lose weight and don’t, have I acheived my goal? At least I tried.

I think it’s actually worse than that though. If you set out to try, you are subconsciously setting yourself up to fail. By saying “I’ll try” you are acknowledging that there is a good chance of failing.

So what to do?

In the example I gave, the coach asked: “Are you going to lose weight, or try to lose weight?”. Hear how different that sounds? Ask yourself the same question when you are aware of thinking about trying. Turn it into a meaningful goal such as “I will do it”.

Then you are able to set milestones along the way. For example setting out to lose 20 pounds, you can set and check progress every week. Even if you don’t make it all the way, you will have a target in mind that you can revisit. Of course you are trying to reach your goal, but that trying doesn’t become an end in itself.

Can’t do, wont do

One of my favorite (coaching related) quotes:

“If you think you can do a thing, or think you can’t do a thing, you are right” Henry Ford

I find this helpful whenever my personal problem word pops into my head. Which word? “Can’t”.

If you listen closely you will hear this word all the time – maybe you use it yourself? Personally I hear it a lot from my kids: “I can’t do that” being the most obvious and simplest example. I am not suggesting (and probably Ford wasn’t either) that anyone can do anything at any time. If that were so I would be playing for the Royals…..

What I take from this quote is the idea that thinking you can do something immeasurably improves your attitude to the task in hand, and therefore you chances of succeeding. Conversely, thinking you will fail before you start means you are likely to quit at the first sign of a setback and generally be less positive.

So what can you do?

• Recognize – be aware when you think “I can’t” or it’s brother “I’m no good at”
• Change – your thought patterns. Even adding a “yet” as in “I can’t do this yet”. That implies you will do it, even if you have to work at it. Much more positive
• Examine – how real this feeling is. Do you really KNOW you can’t do it, or do you simply suspect it?
• Look at the evidence – are you generalising from one instance? Is there evidence that you CAN do it? Often there is and you can draw on that positive outcome
• Change what you do – if it didn’t work, what specifically didn’t work? What can you do differently to ensure you succeed next time?

As I’ve mentioned before, you can change the way you think, what you believe. Recognize when you are sabotaging yourself before you’ve even begun a task, change the thinking and see what you can do. You may be surprised.