Saying yes, saying no

Many people have told me – “If you want something done, ask a busy person”. That often seems to work as it is based on the assumption that busy people manage their time well and plan to get your request done, then do it. There are also people who appear to be busy but are not always productive, but that’s another thread….

I used to be a “yes man” at work. I don’t mean I would agree with everything my boss said, but I would volunteer for tasks and pretty much always accept a new project when asked to do so. Looking back this was based on a number of beliefs I had about myslef and my situation:

1) My career would be limited if I said “no”
2) I would miss out on the rush I got when starting a new project
3) I wanted to be seen as helpful
4) I told myself that I thrive on pressure and deadlines
5) I felt duty bound to help the company in any way I could

The result? Usually a lot of tasks were left unfinished (completing is not my strenth). I often overpromised and underdelivered instead of the reverse. This led to stress for me and disappointment for the person who asked me to perform the task or project.

There was never enough time to settle to a task – I was always “robbing Peter to pay Paul”. In other words I would do the bare minimum to hit a deadline, then rush off to another project and do the same. The result was sub-optimal performance on all tasks.

As it turned out, my boss was far more sympathetic to my plight than I ever imagined he would be. I felt I couldn’t ask for help as it would be seen as a sign of weakness. In fact, the weakness (if any) was not completing the task well. In fact, if I had communicated my workload and timeframes to my boss when he asked me to take on a project, I would have avoided the stress. Further, the project would probably have been done better by someone with the time to devote to it, and my ongoing activities would not have suffered.

What has this to do with work-life balance? I found I was doing the same in my personal life as at work and this is still a constant struggle for me. I want to do things and agree to take on household projects and chores without a clear idea of how long it will take/when I will do it and so on. The same result – unfinished or even unstarted tasks where people feel let down and my self esteem takes a knock.

For me its learning to say no, or at least qualifying the yes that is important. In my coaching relationships I have been asked; “When you say yes, what are you saying no too?” Often I am saying no to something I would rather be doing, or no to another task I needed to do, or no to time with my family. So for me, saying no has been difficult and continues to be. However I am learning it doesn’t have to be negative, and a no might be the best thing I could say for me, and also for the person asking.